Thursday, January 16, 2014

Beloved

Beloved ~ 

dear, loved, valued, prized, dearest, sweet, admired, treasured, precious, darling, worshipped, adored, cherished, revered

This is our writing prompt for this week.  It is hard to write about something that you do not know. I do not feel loved (except by my children) let alone beloved. 

I have been struggling with love all my life and feel that there is something very wrong with me. Why can't I feel love? 

My parents wanted  a child. They prayed to have one for four years before God gave them me. I spent my childhood wondering why they prayed for a child and then treated me so hurtfully. Did God send the wrong child? Would a different child be a better fit? Mom never had another child so I did not find out from her.

Mom? She taught  me love hurt. She raged, screamed and 'spanked' me with whatever she could get her hands on (because she  wasn't going to hurt her hand!) 

Dad? Dad was not there. He was out drinking and trying to create brothers and sisters for me. He succeeded nicely.

Later on, my parents divorced and I moved out of mom's house. Dad was remarried with a blond haired, blue eyed perfect daughter and twin boys. Mom was having an affair with my (ex)boyfriend and I really  was not needed at either place.

When I turned 16 my dad called, not to tell me happy birthday... but to tell me he had been put in jail for non support. He said he was going to court to get support reduced (from $150 a month) to $15 a week. He said, "Patty I have another family now. I have to take care of them." Thanks Dad!

I could go on  and on but I won't. I have forgiven my parents as I realize that they were this was as this was the way they were raised and did not know any better. Mom and I stayed very close (after she broke up with my boyfriend!) and Dad and I stayed in touch until he died but really... never close.

I have been married twice and felt both times that they were just with  me until something better came along. Needless to say... something better came along and I am pretty happy, alone on  my own.

Except I am not alone. God is with me and I strive everyday to feel his love. Not to be afraid of it. He will not hurt me. He will not leave me. He is steady and  true. I just wish I could feel it.

http://www.faithbarista.com/join-faith-barista-jam-thursdays/




My One Word for 2014 is Devote. I should devote  myself to find the feelings I am missing. :-(

Love,
Patty

UPDATE

With more study... I realize I do feel God's love. A lot of times I just do not recognize it as such. I have got to open my eyes and ears and pay better attention. Still working on feeling loved by others...

6 comments:

  1. Yes, to settle into knowing you were the gift prayed for, but they just didn't know what to do with it. You still are that gift worth opening. You are beloved. I have just entered into that understanding myself. I pray you not only find that in God but that the Lord bring people into you life this year that can confirm what the Lord knows about you. Blessings.

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  2. Thank you Karin... This morning I woke up thinking forget the past. Think about now. Don't worry about the future. It had to be from God because when I got online that is the very first thing I read :-) Thank you for your visit!
    Love,
    Patty

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  3. Hi Patty, this was an excellent! Bravo for being brave enough to share it!

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    1. Thank you Angela. I seem to be doing a bit better. I have learned more... that helps :-) I am sure it will come up in our group. Love you, Patty

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  4. Wow, Patty. Very eloquent. I felt your pain keenly. Thank you for being vulnerable and real about the hard places you come from and how they have impacted your life. My prayer is that this year you would know the treasure of a true, forever friendship.

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    1. This year is going to be so very special. I am going to spend it with my incourage sisters that love me, teach me and friend me as you are doing now :-) God is so GREAT!
      Love you!
      Patty

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