dear, loved, valued, prized, dearest, sweet, admired, treasured, precious, darling, worshipped, adored, cherished, revered
This is our writing prompt for this week. It is hard to write about something that you do not know. I do not feel loved (except by my children) let alone beloved.
I have been struggling with love all my life and feel that there is something very wrong with me. Why can't I feel love?
My parents wanted a child. They prayed to have one for four years before God gave them me. I spent my childhood wondering why they prayed for a child and then treated me so hurtfully. Did God send the wrong child? Would a different child be a better fit? Mom never had another child so I did not find out from her.
Mom? She taught me love hurt. She raged, screamed and 'spanked' me with whatever she could get her hands on (because she wasn't going to hurt her hand!)
Dad? Dad was not there. He was out drinking and trying to create brothers and sisters for me. He succeeded nicely.
Later on, my parents divorced and I moved out of mom's house. Dad was remarried with a blond haired, blue eyed perfect daughter and twin boys. Mom was having an affair with my (ex)boyfriend and I really was not needed at either place.
When I turned 16 my dad called, not to tell me happy birthday... but to tell me he had been put in jail for non support. He said he was going to court to get support reduced (from $150 a month) to $15 a week. He said, "Patty I have another family now. I have to take care of them." Thanks Dad!
I could go on and on but I won't. I have forgiven my parents as I realize that they were this was as this was the way they were raised and did not know any better. Mom and I stayed very close (after she broke up with my boyfriend!) and Dad and I stayed in touch until he died but really... never close.
I have been married twice and felt both times that they were just with me until something better came along. Needless to say... something better came along and I am pretty happy, alone on my own.
Except I am not alone. God is with me and I strive everyday to feel his love. Not to be afraid of it. He will not hurt me. He will not leave me. He is steady and true. I just wish I could feel it.
My One Word for 2014 is Devote. I should devote myself to find the feelings I am missing. :-(
With more study... I realize I do feel God's love. A lot of times I just do not recognize it as such. I have got to open my eyes and ears and pay better attention. Still working on feeling loved by others...