Beloved

Beloved ~ 

dear, loved, valued, prized, dearest, sweet, admired, treasured, precious, darling, worshipped, adored, cherished, revered

This is our writing prompt for this week.  It is hard to write about something that you do not know. I do not feel loved (except by my children) let alone beloved. 

I have been struggling with love all my life and feel that there is something very wrong with me. Why can't I feel love? 

My parents wanted  a child. They prayed to have one for four years before God gave them me. I spent my childhood wondering why they prayed for a child and then treated me so hurtfully. Did God send the wrong child? Would a different child be a better fit? Mom never had another child so I did not find out from her.

Mom? She taught  me love hurt. She raged, screamed and 'spanked' me with whatever she could get her hands on (because she  wasn't going to hurt her hand!) 

Dad? Dad was not there. He was out drinking and trying to create brothers and sisters for me. He succeeded nicely.

Later on, my parents divorced and I moved out of mom's house. Dad was remarried with a blond haired, blue eyed perfect daughter and twin boys. Mom was having an affair with my (ex)boyfriend and I really  was not needed at either place.

When I turned 16 my dad called, not to tell me happy birthday... but to tell me he had been put in jail for non support. He said he was going to court to get support reduced (from $150 a month) to $15 a week. He said, "Patty I have another family now. I have to take care of them." Thanks Dad!

I could go on  and on but I won't. I have forgiven my parents as I realize that they were this was as this was the way they were raised and did not know any better. Mom and I stayed very close (after she broke up with my boyfriend!) and Dad and I stayed in touch until he died but really... never close.

I have been married twice and felt both times that they were just with  me until something better came along. Needless to say... something better came along and I am pretty happy, alone on  my own.

Except I am not alone. God is with me and I strive everyday to feel his love. Not to be afraid of it. He will not hurt me. He will not leave me. He is steady and  true. I just wish I could feel it.

My One Word for 2014 is Devote. I should devote  myself to find the feelings I am missing. :-(

Love,

Patty

UPDATE

With more study... I realize I do feel God's love. A lot of times I just do not recognize it as such. I have got to open my eyes and ears and pay better attention. Still working on feeling loved by others...

Help Helping Helped (Jam 3)

4 little letters.
 (You have to watch those 4 letter words!)

I can help YOU!

Being a mom was so fulfilling!
I got to  help my children,  
everyday,
and it rocked my world.
help helping helped...

 My (now ex) husband had 7 knee surgeries and I helped him.
Months into years...
help helping helped...

I went to work... Loved the job!
I got to help people with 'issues'.
What a cool word! I am an issue fixer...

"Hi! My name is Patty! How can I help you today?" 

help helping helped...

Makes you feel wanted, needed and valued.

Gives you a feeling of self worth.

help helping helped...

Kids grew.
Husband left.
I got COPD.
(watch those 4 letter words!)

Kids did not  need my help.
Husband no longer wanted my help.
Trouble breathing, can't work, can't help.
No more help helping helped.

Now I am the one that needs help. At first I would do without instead of asking for it. I am the helper. How can the helper need help? Isn't that kind of wrong??

My health has gradually gotten worse. It has been 13 years now and it is still a struggle for me to ask for help. I lost 60 pounds before I asked for help with my every other day health care visits. And now that I have them? They are such a blessing.

God is teaching me that it is okay to ask for help. People cannot read my mind and know what I need. 

If it blessed me to be able to help others... why am I stingy, not allowing them to be blessed?

I am learning that asking for help is a blessing to both parties! My MaryBeth feels great as she does a wonderful job and I always let her know what it means to me. She goes above and beyond... making me feel special. We have become great friends. It is not easy but it is getting better. 

Am I learning? I actually picked  up the phone the other day and called a neighbor for help. It amazed me! She was not home and I ended up working on it myself... but... I was going to ask!

Helped Helped Helped
and I survived.

Ask for help.

Love to you,

Patty

Joining In (Jam 2)

(Photo by Ian Parker click pic to visit)

Joined & Blessed

I am not a joiner. I do not 'do' join. I once was programed to join but life erased my hard drive and then uploaded solitary. It is very hard to sit here, every day and reprogram myself. I am not a programer. God is doing it in His own way and in His own time.

God knows I desire to join in.

To put or bring into close association or relationship

To connect

To meet and merge with

To become a part or member of

To come into the company of

To participate with in an act or activity

I take innocent ideas and create monsters. I take up blogging (again). And judge myself to be lacking.

Join others who blog and see their beautiful words and blogs. And judge myself to be lacking.

And I join. Everything. To become BETTER.

Join, compare, judge.

And God teaches me that I am joining in too many things so I can get overloaded and lay in bed depressed, therefore not doing anything at all. Alone again, naturally.

And God reminds me that I am just as a child, starting out, not expect to be perfect. Because there is no perfection besides Him. Just be me and enjoy that. Be wacky if wacky is what my spirit needs.

And I quit joining. And just do what I 'feel' needs to be done.

I had planned to skip this Thursday. This prompt. All I could think of was my Thanksgiving would be so different than what most people have. But my heart wanted to join in. So I read Bonnie's post. She was not asking for my Thanksgiving. She was asking about my giving Thanks.

Even though my journey is not exactly like others, God blesses me everyday and shows me I have something in common with most. I no longer want to be like others. I am learning to be happy in my own skin. 

My posts may not be filled with quotes from the Bible.... but the verses run though my head and heart if I am blogging or not. All day long... and I am blessed. I can be cooking, playing with my Peanut (my beloved Chihuahua companion that gives me unconditional love, just like God) or even playing a game on  my Kindle and the Bible, God's words, flow all around me.

be blessed.

Love,
Patty

PS I stumbled upon a link that I had tucked away and thought you might like to see it too... please check my new page From Your Father  for a love letter from God. :-) I love you!!

Jam With Me (One)

(banner by: http://www.crosscards.com)

Be Yourself...

I have been many things.

1956 ~ Born to Sidney and Fay Stoner. Dad and Mom' daughter. Newborn

Dad loved me BUT he was an pretty much absent alcoholic adulteress who I sometimes saw on Sundays when the bars were closed. Mom loved me BUT she honestly did not know how. She was a fanatic ~ a combo of religion, cleaning and control. Ridged control. Emotionally and physically abusive. 

(We once were leaving the laundromat while traveling. Mom snapped her fingers as she had forgotten our extra hangers. I immediately stopped and stood at attention. She looked ashamed and said, "My God, what have I done to you?" And then forgot and reverted.)

1968 ~ Dad leaves Mom and I become Fay's daughter.  Age 12

Dad had started a family with someone else and needed to go complete that one. I gave my mom Father's Day cards as I was thankful she was both to me.

1974 ~ Married Randy and became a mom. Randy Sr.'s wife. Randy Jr.'s mom. Age 18

Yes it was that kind of marriage. Randy and I did not want to get married. We wanted to wait a couple of years. Our moms had a fit so we got married. I was subservient for 18 years and fell right into it with Randy. He thought that was cool!

Randy joined the Navy, was unfaithful and was gone 6 to 9 months of the year. I could live with that. I just wanted 3 kids to keep me occupied. Randy decided one was enough. 

1977 ~ I divorced Randy. Still Randy's mom. Age 21

We were divorced about the time that we had wanted to make the decision to marry or not if we had been left alone. All of that heartache... Mom later said that telling me to marry Randy was the worst thing that she had done to me. I still haven't decided. LOL!

I decided to never marry. To be my own boss. 

1978 ~ Mary was born. I became Mary's mom (I still adore this 'job'!) She was born on my 22nd birthday. Age 22

1980 ~ Kevin was born. I became Kevin's mom. (Ditto on adoring the job!) Age 24

1981 ~ Met and married Gary. Became Gary's wife. Age 25

I was horrified to discover I had married my mother! Gary was pretty much just like her. I really withdrew into myself. No  family, besides my children. No friends unless I wanted to report, verbatim, as to what was said when he was not right by my side. No life.

I tried to be perfect for him. It never was enough. I starved myself to stay slender. That was stupidity. 

Mom came to live with us for about 6 months in 1986 and again in 1988. I was a ping pong ball. Do it Gary's way or do it Mom's way? Do I ever get a say? By that time Randy was living with his dad so I was Gary's wife, Mary and Kevin's Mom and Fay's daughter. I was wore out. 

1990 ~ Mom passed.

1996 ~ Mary graduated.

1999 ~ Kevin graduated.

2000 ~ Gary moved on to greener pastures. 

I went into shock. It has been 13 years. I do not date. I am just learning how to live. Really live. I am still erasing rules that I lived life long. I still catch myself automatically following them. STOP. You do not have to do it that way anymore. You can do your way.

And yet? I have discovered that my way is not the best way. I need God. I want to be God's daughter. I want to obey him. I want to be close with him and saturate myself with his love. He amazes and surprises me daily. He delights me. I pray that I delight him and then giggle. God is delighted with me as he created me.

This is not to be a pity party. Mom loved me the only way that she knew how (you should hear about how she was raised!!) Gary and I had happy times. My kids are a gift from God and they are the most awesome humans in my world. 

I am still learning how to be myself. I may never ever make it fully but at least now I have a choice. And I choose God.

Love,

Patty